


An Unsolved Friendship

by McKat, Phoenix_The_Real_Person, TheGeekGurl



Series: Artemis Fowl Meets Buzzfeed Unsolved [1]
Category: Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer, Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Banter, Canon-typical language, Crossover, Gen, Humor, It started as a joke, Loch Ness Monster, Lots and lots of shenanigans, Movie? what movie?, Ryan Bergara Being an Idiot, Shane Madej Being an Idiot, Shenanigans, and it escalated, artemis fowl is a little shit, artemis keeps his powers, artemis needs friends, because reasons, because we said so, bfu-typical language, but we love him anyways, we do not speak of the movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:53:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26697055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McKat/pseuds/McKat, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix_The_Real_Person/pseuds/Phoenix_The_Real_Person, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGeekGurl/pseuds/TheGeekGurl
Summary: What if Artemis Fowl II joined Buzzfeed Unsolved? What kind of shenanigans would ensue? These may not be questions you were wondering, but we've got the answers for you anyways.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara & Shane Madej
Series: Artemis Fowl Meets Buzzfeed Unsolved [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1942765
Comments: 29
Kudos: 61





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome! If you are reading this, bless you. It started as a running joke in a group chat, and now... yeah. This has been an absolute blast to write while trapped inside due to quarantine, so I hope you have as much fun as we did with it. The idea came from Phoenix_the_Real_Person and they let me go wild with it, so here you have it! 
> 
> Disclaimer: it's been the better part of a decade since I've read Artemis Fowl, so any characterization mistakes or canon issues are mine.

“Shane, I don’t like this.”

“You never like the places we go. Why don’t you take me anywhere nice, anyways?”

“Shut up, Shane.”

The forest the boys were investigating was dark, and their lights seemed to barely penetrate the gloomy area. Due to the abundance of roots and trees, the crew was unable to come with them and set up tripods, so the footage for this episode was going to purely come from Shane’s handheld camera and Ryan’s bodycam. 

“Did you hear that?!”

“Ryan, it’s a forest. It has animals.”

“It sounded like a footstep.”

Ryan turned and walked towards the noise. “Maybe Loch Ness was a bad idea. Is it too late for us to turn back? Let’s just scrap this. Surely there’s something else in Scotland we can investigate.”

“Ryan?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re rambling. It’s just a forest. We haven’t even gotten to the lake yet.” 

“Right.”

A few moments later, they finally came upon a large lake. “There it is, Loch Ness. It’s way creepier at night than it was when we came earlier today.”

“Yeah, you’re not wrong, Ry.”

“Do you… never mind.”

“Hm? See Nessie?”

“No, I… I thought I saw a flashlight that way.”

Shane turned where Ryan was pointing. “I’m not - oh, wait, you may be right. I mean, it makes sense, there’s probably lots of other idiots like us that come check this place out.”

Ryan nodded. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

\-----

“You seeing anything, Art?”

“No, Holly, Loch Ness seems absent of any - wait.”

“Artemis?”

Artemis focused on the area where he’d seen the flashlight beam. “Do you see that?”

“Despite Foaly’s claims,” Holly informed him, “Iris Cams aren’t quite as good as unaided vision. Don’t tell him I said that.”

“I’m going to go and check it out.”

“Wait, maybe Butler should be with you.”

“If I call on Butler for help everytime I see a light in the dark then he’s never gonna let me grow up, Holly. If it’s bad, I’ll get out. But it’s probably just some sight seeing humans.”

Holly sighed. “Okay. Be careful.” 

“Aren’t I always - whoah!”

“Artemis! What happened?”

“Tree root. Came out of nowhere. Damn, this is a new suit.”

Holly groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Yeah. Always careful. Just don’t get killed, ‘cause then Butler would kill me.”

\-----

“No, I’m pretty sure there’s someone coming this way.” 

“Well do you wanna go say hi?” 

“Shane, what if it’s a serial killer?”

“Then I promise to do an episode based on your tragic death.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Okay, fine, we’ll go say hi. Maybe it’s a local.”

“Lead on, oh fearless one.” 

Ryan rolled his eyes again before walking towards the flashlight in the distance. “If it is a serial killer, I’m totally gonna hide behind you.”

“I don’t expect any less.”

\-----

“Holly, I’m hearing voices. American. Tourists, I suppose.”

“Well make them go away!”

“I know, I’m working on it.” 

“Hello! Who’s there?” came an anxious voice. 

“Oh Mr. Serial Killer -”

“Shut _up,_ Shane!”

Artemis sighed and approached the figures. “Hello, can I help - wait.”

Once he approached the figures, he could make them out with more detail, and he realized he recognized them. The taller of the two men seemed to make the realization at the same time Artemis did. “You were the guy that bumped into me yesterday!”

“Outside of the cafe, yes, apologies on that.”

“Wait,” chimed in the shorter one. “You’re staying at the same hotel we are. I saw you in the lobby.”

“Ah, well, it is a small world, so I have heard. What brings two Americans out here in the middle of the night?”

“Yeah, we’re, uh, here trying to look for the Loch Ness monster,” the small man said almost sheepishly. 

Artemis nodded. “I’m not surprised. Well, as you ought to know, a majority of Nessie sightings happen during the day, and so you will be better off coming back tomorrow.”

“We came earlier today, didn’t see much, decided to try again,” the taller stated. 

“As you can see, the creature is definitely not appearing, so I recommend heading on back.” 

“Hey, buddy, this isn’t your lake, is it?”

“No, but there is a storm coming in, so the two of you should head on back.”

“I checked the weather, it’s supposed to be fine tonight. Look, if you want us to go that’s fine. We just need a couple of minutes. Then we’ll be out of your hair gel.”

Artemis sighed. The two were clearly stubborn, and Holly wasn’t going to be coming for some time. “Yes, alright, go on.”

“Thanks?” The smaller man looked up at the other and shrugged. 

Artemis continued walking past them and heard the men talking to their cameras. “We’ve got a couple of tourists here. Video makers. They shouldn’t be here too long.”

Holly nodded. “I saw. Let’s hope they - wait. What’s that noise?”

Artemis turned back to the men and saw them holding a strange device. “Oh, D’arvit.”

He started to run towards the two men. “Hey, shut that off!”

They didn’t seem to hear him over the loud staticky noise, however. “Hello! Turn that infernal machine off!”

The shorter one seemed to hear Artemis and turned, just as the Kraken’s head came out from the water. “D’arvit,” Holly and Artemis said in unison. 

\-----

“Ryan!”

“Holy- what is that?!” He shoved the spirit box back in his pocket. 

“Nessie, obviously! You want proof, we have proof!”

“What good will proof do us if it kills us? Run!”

They turned and tried to leave the forest, but the weight of their equipment slowed them down and Ryan tripped over a root as Shane ran into a branch. _This is it,_ Ryan thought. _I’m gonna die in Scotland_. 

He turned and… _what the actual fuck_?

The dude they had met earlier seemed to be… fighting off the monster? With blue fire shooting out of his hands?

“Shit, Shane, I think I hit my head pretty hard.”

“I was about to tell you the same thing,” Shane spoke up. Ryan turned and saw that Shane was gaping at the scene as well. 

\-----

The two men ran as Artemis ran in front of the Kraken. _What are you doing?_ Asked a voice in his head that sounded a lot like Holly. 

“Artemis stop!”

Oh, it was Holly. 

Without thinking, Artemis raised his hands and felt… _power_. It had been a long time since he had felt anything like this… He had almost forgotten what it was like.

The blue flames shot from his hands, scaring the kraken. “ _Get back”_ he shouted in Gnomish.

The kraken, unprepared for a display like this, turned away after another few shots from Artemis’s hands. 

“That went better than expected,” Artemis murmured as the world went fuzzy.

\-----

The monster seemed to give up and turned away from the man, who promptly collapsed. 

“Come on,” Ryan shouted. “We gotta help him!” He got on his feet and ran towards the figure beside the lake. He heard Shane’s footfalls behind him. They reached the man and Ryan knelt beside him. “Dude! Are you alright? Wake up!” 

The man’s eyes opened slowly and he looked at Ryan oddly before sitting up sharply and looking at the lake. “He’s gone,” the man said, relieved. 

“Are you alright?” Shane asked from behind Ryan. 

“Yes, I believe so.”

“Do you know your name? Where you are?”

“What are you, Ryan, an EMT?”

“Shut up Shane, I’ve seen this on tv enough.”

“Artemis. My name is Artemis Fowl the Second. I’m at Loch Ness in Scotland. We should not be here for much longer, however.”

“Yeah, don’t want Nessie to come back for round two. Can you get up?” Shane questioned.

Artemis nodded, but his knees gave out from below him as he stood.

“Woah - easy!” Ryan grabbed Artemis by the arm and helped him regain his equilibrium. “Let’s get you outta here.” He helped Artemis swing an arm over his shoulder. The other man was about an inch taller than him, but Ryan was far more muscled than the lanky man and it was no problem to help lead him out of the forest. 

“Dude, we’re gonna get _so many_ views on this video.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane and Ryan have learned the world is bigger than they realized. Artemis has the answers, but can they get any?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I said I’d update on Mondays, that’s my bad. But here it is :D

Artemis had hired a car to get to the lake, and so Ryan offered him a lift. Since he was still barely standing, Artemis was barely in any shape to argue. He passed out in the back seat for a few minutes, and Ryan and Shane sat in the front in a hushed silence, unsure of what to say, or what had just happened to them. Artemis ended up waking up just in time as they pulled into the hotel they happened to both be at.

“Thank you both for the ride, I will be fine on my own from here.”

“Like hell you will,” Shane said. “You’re not gonna shoot blue fire out of your hand and then go on your merry way.”

Artemis sighed. “Want me to come up and wipe their memories?” Artemis heard Holly’s voice in his ear. 

Artemis looked between the two men. “No, let me talk to them.”

Ryan shot Shane a questioning look, but was met with a shrug. 

“Let’s go somewhere more private,” Artemis said. “What I have to discuss with you needs to not be overheard.”

Shane turned to Ryan. “What do you think?”

Ryan just shrugged. “Why not?”

Shane turned back to Artemis. “Let’s go to my room, I have a balcony.”

“Hey, no fair!”

Shane shrugged. “Win some, lose some, Ry.”

\-----

“Look, I can’t tell you two everything,” Artemis said to Shane and Ryan. “The world… it’s much different than you two thought it was. Some of these mythical creatures? They’re real. What you saw tonight was a kraken. Your box device’s noise must have angered it.”

Shane laughed. “I know how it feels, I agree whole-heartedly.” He looked over the scene from where he was leaning against the railing of the balcony. Ryan was sitting on the edge of one of the deck chairs, his elbows on his knees. Shane could see a trace of panic on his face after their interaction with the sea monster. 

Artemis, meanwhile, was relaxing in the other chair, his ankles crossed, as though this was a casual business interaction and not reshaping how Shane and Ryan viewed the world. Shane did have enough presence of mind to be impressed by how Artemis controlled the space, despite sitting in a cheap patio chair in a muddied suit. Shane found himself wondering how old Artemis was. He was leaning towards twenty, no older than twenty two. 

“Wait. You’re just gonna say that these... These things  _ actually exist _ but you can’t tell us that much, and you can’t let us show others?” Ryan asked incredulously.

Shane shook his head. “Look, man, this is kind of what we do. We look for proof these things exist and we post it.”

Artemis frowned. He was certain he would know if actual footage of the People was posted on the Internet.

“Wait, I have a hit on these two,” Holly chimed in over his earwig. “They’re on YouTube. No proof of any of us. They mostly go for ghosts, but really haven’t gotten much on those either.”

Artemis looked back to the men. “That is how this must work. If you refuse to delete that footage, I will have no choice but to erase your memories and tarnish your reputations. It is your choice. I will let you two discuss amongst yourselves and meet you in the morning. Back here at seven AM?”

Shane shrugged. “I guess we don’t have much of a choice. Ryan?”

Ryan sighed and slouched back in his chair. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense.”

Artemis stood and nodded. “Well then. I will meet the two of you in the morning. Good night.”

“Night,” Ryan said softly, looking kind of dazed. 

\-----

“I didn’t know you still have powers!” Holly almost yelled. 

“Well, I didn’t either until an hour ago,” Artemis responded. “It must have been a panic response. I know you insist Krakens gentle creatures, Holly, but having been face-to-face with one I must respectfully disagree.”

“We’ll discuss this later,” Holly said with exasperation. “Artemis, what are you doing? What if they send someone that footage,” Holly said. She was pacing around her room in Haven City.

“Don’t worry,” Artemis said in the elevator, straightening his suit in the mirror. “I left a bug I stole from Foaly in the room. I want to see what they will do without me there. I don’t completely trust them, not yet. I simply feel the possibility of that does exist.”

Holly smirked. “That sounds more accurate. Why do you like these guys, anyways?”

“I never said ‘like,’ Holly. Simply that I feel they might be trustworthy. Not many people would come back for a stranger after having the fright of their life, after all.”

Holly smirked to herself. She had known Artemis for several years, and knew how hard it was for him to trust anyone. It had taken a few near-death situations for him to trust  _ her _ , after all. But she could tell that he wanted to trust these men. Even if he didn’t know why completely.

“Who knows, Art, maybe you’re making friends,” she said grinning. 

“Doubtful, I don’t need friends.”

“Oh, whatever. Of course you need friends. You can’t talk to fairies forever, you know. You need humans you can trust. Aside from Butler.”

Artemis didn’t respond. Holly had maintained for years that he needed friends, but he tended to ignore her. There was a corner of his mind, however, one not ruled by logic, one he had tried for a very long time to banish, that was saying  _ maybe she’s right. _

_ Maybe these two can be trusted. _

\-----

Ryan had stood and leaned against the rail of the balcony, looking out over the darkness.

“What are you thinking about, Ry?” 

Ryan ran his hand through his hair, ruffling it more than it already had been after the events of the night. “The world seems… bigger now. You know? I mean, I always thought some of these things exist. But seeing one? And hearing someone talking about them like it’s just another Tuesday?” He shook his head. “I don’t know, big guy. It’s a lot. Why are you so chill about this anyways?”

“Oh, no way, man. I’m definitely freaking out, too,” he said with a short chuckle. He moved to stand next to his friend, leaning his back against the rail. “I’m just compartmentalizing. You know, midwestern superpowers.”

“Yeah, sure,” Ryan said with a half-hearted eye roll at his friend. He turned to look at him, though, and saw the slight panic on his face that he was trying to play off. 

“You didn’t even believe in this kind of stuff, this has gotta be hell on you.”

Shane shrugged. “I mean, the world isn’t any different today than it was yesterday, right? The only difference is we know more than we did. That’s what I’m trying to tell myself, at least.”

Ryan chuckled. “Sometimes I forget you’re actually pretty smart.”

Shane grinned, placing a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “You and me both, man. I have to say there’s no way I’m getting any sleep now, though.”

“Me either. Wanna find some late night Scottish television?”

Shane laughed. “Sounds good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you’re having fun! I promise this whole thing devolves into straight up humor in just a couple chapters, bear with us.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane and Ryan try to decide how to handle this new information, and Artemis (kind of) helps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're starting to get there! These first chapters are slow, I'm sorry, but I had to set it up in what I thought was a believable way before I could get into Artemis just going to haunted houses with the guys. 
> 
> Also, writing banter for Shane & Ryan is Not Easy, but I feel like I do get better as this fic goes on.

“We have a proposition,” Ryan said. 

Artemis raised an eyebrow, sipping his coffee. After a few hours sleep he was far more composed, hair perfectly combed and wearing a fresh suit. “Something I learned from my father: the man with the cards is the man that sets the bargain. I have no reason to listen to the two of you.”

“Well, true,” Shane said, sitting in one of the chairs on the balcony, his long legs tangled underneath him. “But you can at least hear us out, right?”

Artemis seemed to weigh the options in his head. “Why not? What do the pair of you propose?” 

“Well,” Ryan felt almost inadequate in his basketball jersey with his hair sticking up every which way. “If we delete that footage, we’re not gonna have nearly enough for an episode. So, I was thinking, what if we interview you as an expert? We have time we need to fill. This way we both win.”

Artemis frowned, considering the prospect. “I suppose that makes sense.”

Shane grinned. “It was my idea. Unless you decided to wipe our memories. Then it was Ryan’s.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “So we have a deal?”

Artemis felt the corner of his mouth turn up looking between these two men. They were ridiculous, but kind. It was a change from a number of the humans he had dealt with for most of his life. “Deal.”

_ Holly will be so proud,  _ that traitorous corner of his mind claimed. 

_ Holly will be so smug, _ the rest of his mind corrected.

\-----

“Today we’re going to be meeting Artemis Fowl the Second, an expert that agreed to speak with us about the lore of the Loch Ness Monster. Thanks for talking to us, Artemis.”

Artemis nodded at the camera. “Nice to meet you both.”

The three of them were in the lobby of the hotel, Ryan and Shane sitting on a couch across from Artemis. Convincing the owner to close the lobby for filming had worked far better than any of them had anticipated, but Ryan wasn’t complaining. He had no desire to go back to that forest, even just for an interview.

“Well, what can you tell us about the legend of Nessie?” Ryan asked.

“Well, the first sighting was reported on May second of nineteen thirty-three. I’m sure this will surprise you, but that claim is largely unsubstantiated.”

“What do you think was in the picture, then?” Shane asked. 

Artemis shrugged. “It could be any number of things. Remember, photography in thirty-three was fairly atrocious. It could have been driftwood, or a small creature in the river?”

Ryan and Shane nodded. “Maybe it was some different cryptid?” Ryan joked.

Shane smiled. “Like what? What else could it be but a sea serpent? I can’t think of any more aquatic creatures. Maybe an aquatic bigfoot?”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “You and your damn great grandpa bigfoot.”

“No, no,” Artemis said. “An aquatic bigfoot is not possible. Sasquatches have a hatred of water.”

The guys chuckled at his straight face. “Right. Maybe an aquatic... chupacabra?” Ryan asked.

“It wouldn’t surprise me if those exist, but if they do they would definitely not like water,” Artemis claimed. 

“Damn. What does like water?” Shane asked.

“Goblins, but the photo doesn’t look anything like one of those. Too long of a neck,” Artemis added. “The Loch Ness Monster is likely a kraken, though, but no evidence exists supporting that theory.” He gave Ryan and Shane an odd look when he said that. 

“Like,  _ ‘release the kraken’ _ ?” Shane asked.

Artemis frowned. “I’m assuming that is some kind of quote?”

Ryan laughed at the kid’s bewildered expression. “Yeah, you know, ‘Clash of the Titans’? Sam Worthington as Perseus? Liam Neeson as Zeus? I have to admit, Shane, that was a pretty on-the-nose reference.”

“Oh, give me a break, there really aren’t that many movies with krakens that hold up that well. Of course I went for the classic,” Shane defended.

“Isn’t there a ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ film with a kraken?” Artemis asked.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. You know ‘Pirates’ but not ‘Clash of the Titans’?” Shane asked. “That’s blasphemous.”

Artemis shrugged. “My brothers had a phase where they wanted to be pirates. A number of pirate movies were viewed that week.”

“Wait, aren’t krakens, like, huge? How would one of them hide that well?” Ryan inquired, attempting to get back on track.

“Loch Ness is fairly deep. Plus, krakens are very good at hiding,” Artemis reasoned.

“Oh, yes, which everyone knows,” Ryan joked.

“As opposed to cryptids that are terrible at hiding, like… I dunno, I guess all of them are good at hiding. That’s probably a requirement to be one. ‘Must be good at hide-and-go-seek. Sharp teeth not required, but preferred,’” Shane joked.

Artemis shrugged. “You talked to me because I’m an expert. Besides, trolls are notoriously terrible at hiding.”

“Right,” Shane laughed. He turned to the cameras and said “I think we’ve got enough footage.”

Ryan stood and put his hand out to shake Artemis’s. “You bounced our jokes back pretty well, I’m impressed.”

Artemis shook Ryan’s hand but frowned. “I wasn’t joking.”

Ryan nodded. “Right. Anyways. Thanks for talking with us.”

“It was not a problem… It was enjoyable., in fact.”

Shane grinned and shook Artemis’s hand. “Hey, anytime you wanna tell us about more weird creatures, we’re always looking for more episode ideas.”

Artemis nodded up at the tall man. “Of course. I should leave to catch my ferry back to Ireland. Pleasure meeting you both.”

“You too, kid,” Shane said. “Take care.”

\----- 

Once Artemis returned to Fowl Manor, he opened the door and ran straight into a solid wall. “Oof - hello, Butler.”

“Artemis, I thought you said that you would be back at noon today. It’s almost three. Where have you been? I’ve been calling you.”

“Apologies, Butler. Something came up, and I didn’t have any service on the ferry ride. I’m clearly fine, though. I told you I could go out on my own as an adult.”

Butler sighed and stepped out of Artemis’s way. 

“Thank you. I will go unpack from my trip.”

“Artemis!” Called two voices from down the hall. Myles and Beckett rounded a corner and barrelled at their older brother. 

Myles stopped and composed himself, but Beckett flung himself into a full-force hug. “Where were you?” He asked accusingly. 

Butler smiled down at the kids. “Artemis had something to take care of. Let him unpack. When he gets done I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to color with you,” he said giving Artemis a glare.

“Yay!” Beckett cheered. 

Butler picked up a child under each arm, much to Beckett’s enjoyment and Myles’s (possibly fake) chagrin. “I am happy you’re back,” Myles said.

“Me too,” Artemis said smiling.

“We will be in the study coloring,” Butler told Artemis as he carried the two children towards the back of the Manor. “Your mother and father left for a trip this morning, they did not leave their return date.”

Artemis watched his family leave, almost smiling to himself. 

\-----

“That was… a weird trip,” Shane told Ryan on the plane ride back to the States.

“That’s an understatement.” He was watching out the window. 

“You’re still freaking out a little bit.”

“Yeah, Shane, I am. If krakens are real, what else is out there?”

Shane rested a hand on his friend’s shoulder for a moment. “We’ll find out.”

“But how? How on Earth will we do that?”

Shane shrugged and pulled his laptop out of his carry-on. “I don’t know, man. But if anyone can, it’s gonna be us. The Ghouligans.”

Ryan chuckled despite himself. “Right. I just… I dunno, big guy. I feel like we’re on the surface of something we’re never gonna be able to see on our own. I feel like we’ll need help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're still having fun! We're about to get into the fun bit I promise, just have to set it up :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane and Ryan learn some things about Artemis, and a deal is made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now we're getting somewhere!

A few weeks after Ryan and Shane returned to the states, the Loch Ness episode was posted. About a day later, all Hell broke loose.

“Ryan, have you, uh, have you checked the Loch Ness video?”

“What do you mean?”

They were in the office where Ryan was editing the next episode. Shane’s computer was being overloaded with comments on their new video. “I’m getting way way more comments than we usually get by this time.”

“I’ll check it out.” Ryan opened the video and scrolled through the comments. “Um… Shane? You’re… You’re not gonna believe this.”

“What is it? Spit it out Ryan, my computer is too busy sending me notifications to let me do anything.”

“Look for yourself.”

Shane rolled his chair over to Ryan’s desk. “Wait, these guys are saying Artemis is a criminal? Ryan, Google him.”

“Already on it. You’re not gonna like this, dude.”

“No way. He’s not. Please tell me he’s not a murderer because then we would definitely have to take the video down and that would put a dent in my schedule for today.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “No, but heists. Nothing substantial enough to go to trial, but he’s the lead suspect in, like, twenty different ongoing investigations.”

“I refuse to believe this. The dude’s, what, eighteen?”

“Twenty. Most of these go back to when he was twelve though.”

Shane buried his face in his hands. “You’re telling me that Artemis, the guy that tripped over his shoelaces and spilled coffee on me, that guy? You’re saying he was a  _ criminal mastermind _ at  _ twelve _ ?”

Ryan shrugged, still scrolling on his phone. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, he seems to come by it honest.”

“It doesn’t, but thanks.” Shane leaned back in his chair, staring up at the ceiling. “This day is not going how I planned.”

Ryan tapped Shane’s shoulder. “It’s about to get stranger.” He pointed to the doorway where a huge Eurasian man in a suit walked in, followed by none other than Artemis himself.

Once the pair approached Shane and Ryan’s desk, Artemis removed his sunglasses. “I may have made a mistake.”

\-----

The day the video was posted, Butler had walked into the kitchen were Artemis was making Myles and Beckett sandwiches for lunch (he had only dropped a couple of things on the floor, and Myles informed him he was improving). 

“Artemis. May I speak with you.”

Artemis looked up, frowning. “Alright.” He handed the plates to his brothers and walked out of the room with Butler. 

“I received an alert that your name has been appearing online more than usual this morning.” He handed his cellphone to Artemis, and it showed a YouTube video with him. 

“Oh, yes, when I was scouting for Holly I met those two and agreed to talk to them. What seems to be the issue?”

Butler sighed. “Have you forgotten that, as far as the public is concerned, you are still a criminal?”

Artemis shook his head. “I have spent several years making reparations. I’ve made peace with authorities. 

“Not officially, not yet.” Butler corrected. “No one has officially pardoned your crimes. As far as the public is aware, these men have allowed a wanted criminal on their show.”

Artemis sat in a chair in the hall, steepling his hands under his chin. “I see. I assume the comments are all crucifying?”

“That’s one word for it.”

“I didn’t think… I’m not sure. I wanted to pay them back for helping me. Now I’m causing problems.”

Butler sat in a chair next to Artemis. “I talked to Holly.”

“What did she tell you?”

“That you got yourself in trouble, but that you were trying to protect two people you hardly knew. It was reckless, but I have to say, I am proud. But you need to correct this new problem.”

“I know, Butler, but how?”

“You’ll think of something.” He placed a large hand on Artemis’s shoulder. “I know you will.”

Artemis thought for a moment. “We need to go to Los Angeles.”

Butler smiled. “On it.”

\-----

Ryan sighed deeply. “So you forgot to mention to us that you are the leading suspect in nine -”

“Eight,” Artemis corrected. 

“Oh, right, sorry.  _ Eight _ different heists in the past twelve years. That just… slipped your mind?”

“In my defense, all of those cases are built solely on circumstantial evidence, and a majority of them got their belongings back. I have yet to be officially pardoned, but the statute of limitations has run out on a number of them, anyways. As far authorities are concerned, I am not a threat.”

“That’s not the point,” Shane sighed. “The point is that we now have cited a suspected thief on our show.” 

The three of them were sitting in one of Watcher’s conference rooms, with Butler standing behind Artemis like an intimidating shadow. 

Shane turned to Ryan. “We can’t just ignore it, that wouldn’t go over very well.”

“YouTube apology videos are their own special Hell, we can’t do that.”

“What other options do we have though?”

Artemis cleared his throat. “I might have a proposition.”

“Does this one include you forgetting that you’re a wanted criminal in all but name?”

Shane elbowed Ryan. “We don’t have many other options  _ but _ to listen.”

“What if you begin using my expertise. The two of you are not exactly  _ experienced _ in the world of true crime and supernatural entities. I am.”

Ryan shook his head. “Wait, won’t that lead to you straight up admitting that you’re a criminal on the internet to millions of viewers?”

“Not necessarily. Besides, this is less to appease the law and more to stop your ‘viewers’ from rioting against you. If you make it clear I’m on your side, and make sure it’s clear I’m no longer a criminal, then you will be able to save face.”

“How are you going to explain the ‘supernatural entities’ bit?”

Artemis shrugged. “Rich kids have weird hobbies.”

Shane and Ryan looked at each other. “Can the two of you give us a moment to talk about this?” Ryan asked. 

Artemis nodded, and the two stood to leave. 

“We’ll be back in just a minute-” Shane cut off as he almost walked into Butler. “Um, hi, sir,” he mumbled as he craned his neck up to look at Butler’s face. “Excuse me please…” he added as he stepped back to walk around the giant of a man. 

As soon as they left the room, Ryan chuckled. “Dude, now you know how  _ I _ feel all the time.”

Shane rubbed the back of his neck. “I need to make you a chiropractor appointment. Anyways. What do you think about the kid’s offer?”

Ryan sighed, leaning back against the wall. “I dunno man. I mean, it’s not too crazy. If we sell it right, we could definitely get the fans on board. Do we trust him on not being wanted anymore, though?”

Shane shrugged. “ I don’t know. But it has just been the two of us for a long time. Maybe adding a third musketeer could be good for us.”

“What, are you saying I’m not good enough for you?” Ryan joked. 

“You know what I mean. We can’t get too stuck in our ways. If it doesn’t work or he doesn’t get well received, we can try something else.”

Ryan nodded. “You know how much I hate to agree with you, right?”

“Oh, whatever.”

“No, I do. I really hate agreeing with you. It’s terrible. Tortuous,” Ryan said with a grin. “And a lot of other synonyms I can’t think of. So when I say I think you have a point, I need you to know that it is not easy for me to admit that.”

Shane swatted Ryan on the shoulder, laughing to himself. “Right. Well, let’s go back and face tall, dark, and scary, and short, white, and kinda wimpy.”

“He can shoot fire out of his hands.”

“Okay, short, white, and not-as-scary.”

\-----

As soon as Shane and Ryan left, Artemis turned to Butler. “Did you really have to stand behind me glaring the whole time?”

Butler smiled a little bit. “An old man has to get his fun somehow, Artemis. I’ll be nice to them, I promise.”

Artemis shook his head, and felt the corners of his lips turn up of their own volition. 

He really hoped they would say yes, despite not really knowing why. 

_ You need friends _ said a voice in his head that sounded surprisingly like Holly.

_ Maybe she’s right.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're still enjoying!! Starting next chapter there'll be on-location scenes which, in my unbiased opinion, are pretty funny.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That's right, we're on location now! Now it's gonna get fun :D

In the Q + A following the Loch Ness episode, Shane and Ryan introduced the third “ghoul boy,” to a widely split audience. A large number of fans seemed to understand that Artemis was no longer considered a criminal. 

The division seemed to come from the addition of a third person in general, if the comments that came pouring in were to be believed. Some thought that a person with experience in the field of crime (new leaf or not) and, apparently, the supernatural, would be a good addition to the show. Others feared the impact on the dynamic that Ryan and Shane had always been known for. 

It was the first haunted location that sold those unsure about Artemis.

The haunted prison was standard fare (and Ryan took a couple of minutes to regret every life decision that led to him using the phrases “haunted prison” and “standard fare” in the same thought) for the duo, and they felt it was a good way to see how Artemis fit into the dynamic.

“Some visitors claim to hear the wailing of inmates from the psych ward, or even footsteps down the corridor where a guard was killed in a riot,” Ryan told Shane and Artemis. 

The trio stood outside, looking up at the foreboding building. Artemis was, of course, wearing a suit again, while Shane and Ryan had opted for hoodies. 

“You’re gonna get cold in here in that suit,” Shane warned Artemis.

“I might remind you I’m Irish,” he said. “Fifty degree fahrenheit weather is hardly anything to write home about.”

“Hey, where’s your bodyguard guy? Butler?”

“He’s at the Manor with my brothers. My parents went on a business trip. It took a decent amount of arguing to convince him I would be safe.”

“Wait, did you say ‘Manor’?” Ryan asked.

“We should go on in before Ryan here begins to shiver worse than he already is.”

“Excuse my friend,” Shane said. “He’s from south L.A.” he added with a stage whisper. “He also refuses to go in first because he’s a wimp.”

Artemis chuckled softly. “Well let’s go ahead and enter before you lose your co-host.” He led the way to the prison, opening the door. 

“We’re here,” Shane called into the prison.

“Does he always do that?” Artemis asked Ryan.

“Pretty much. Just wait ‘till he tells a demon to fuck itself.”

Artemis looked towards the camera crew, seeming to rethink his decision. He was confused when they began to laugh. 

They set their chairs up in the hallway to talk about the history of the building later in the night, and then started to look around the building while the crew set up the cameras.

“This is where a guard was killed,” Ryan said in the middle of a hall that seemed completely random to Artemis and Shane.

“Are you sure it’s this one?” Artemis asked.

“Yeah, we passed, like, eight that looked exactly like this.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Great, there’s two of them. Yes, I’m sure. I did my research. Let’s set up the laser grid and motion lights.”

They showed Artemis how to turn the light on and demonstrated how it worked, and let him place them down the hallway.

“What do you think so far?” Ryan asked. 

“I mean, it’s early, but I think this is going to be a fun one.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “I miss not thinking of haunted prisons as ‘fun,’” Ryan lamented.

“No you don’t.”

“I guess not. Here, go set the laser grid up.”

Artemis and Shane returned to Ryan’s side after a moment.

“Okay, let’s see if anything happens,” Ryan said.

Shane leaned towards Artemis. “Spoiler alert: nothing is going to happen.”

Artemis shrugged. “You never know.”

“Thank you, Artemis. I appreciate you,” Ryan said, beaming.

“Of course, the chances of anything happening are astronomical, but, of course, it could.”

Ryan rolled his eyes as Shane started laughing. 

“Whatever. Hey, ghost!” He called down the hall. “If you’re here, feel free to start walking towards us. I need you to prove these two wrong!”

They stood for a moment before Ryan sighed. “Seriously? Just, like, walk this way? Please?”

Nothing.

Ryan groaned. “Stupid ghosts never actually listen.”

“Come on, ghosties!” Shane shouted. “Come attack us! Knock me over! Bet you won’t!”

Artemis shot Ryan a somewhat concerned glance. 

Ryan just shrugged. “He has a deathwish.”

“Shane, whether ghosts are real or not, I must say that antagonizing them seems like a bad idea.”

“Exactly,” Shane said. 

“That… There is no logic to that.”

“Nope.”

Artemis pinched the bridge of his nose. “This is going to be a long night.”

\-----

The trio went back to the hallway where the chairs were set up to film the episode’s intro. Artemis sat between Shane and Ryan, and they gave him a brief description of which cameras to look at when. 

“Rolling,” said someone behind the camera.

“This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved we’re investigating yet  _ another _ haunted prison in our attempt to answer the question: are ghosts real?”

Shane and Artemis both shook their heads at the other camera, and Ryan rolled his eyes. “As you can see, I’m joined by not just one, but  _ two _ skeptics. Our sharp-dressed friend here is Artemis Fowl the Second. He’s agreed to join us, but I might regret that if he doesn’t stop siding with Shane on everything.”

Shane laughed, “I’m glad to have a fellow sane person with us!” 

“Shane, your claims to sanity are somewhat impacted by the fact you have already asked a ghost to shove you off the walkway.”

“I take it back,” Ryan said. “I could get used to having this kid around.”

Ryan read some of the history of the prison and then they continued exploring a little more. 

“First off is the solitary confinement ward. Maybe we can get something on the spirit box.”

Shane groaned. “One of these days I’m gonna hide that damn thing so you can’t bring it along.”

“Spirit box?” Artemis asked.

Ryan smiled at being able to introduce someone new to the technology. “It bounces between radio frequencies really quickly, and spirits can use it to communicate. Anything longer than a couple words is a spirit.” 

“It’s gonna make you want to pull your hair out, fair warning.”

Artemis frowned, checking to see how far behind the camera crew was. “Is that what you used at Loch Ness?”

Shane nodded. “Yup, that’s the one.”

Artemis nodded. “Right. That was… an interesting sound.”

“Interesting, causes brain bleeds, to-may-to to-mah-to.”

“Hey, sometimes we get some good stuff from the spirit box!” Ryan defended.

“Yeah, like, ‘spaghetti’ or ‘apple tater.’”

Ryan sighed. “Excuse the big guy. He’s just mad that this thing spits in the face of his skepticism.”

They found a solitary cell and Ryan sat on the cot. Shane and Artemis stood against the wall across from him. When he first turned it on, the whine caused all three to wince. 

“See what I mean?” Shane asked Artemis.

Artemis nodded. “I have to say, if I were a spirit I likely wouldn’t enjoy that very much.”

Ryan ignored the two of them. “Hello? My name is Ryan, the giant is Shane, and that’s Artemis. Can you say our names back?”

Nothing.

“Maybe they’re shy,” Shane drawled. 

“Shut up, Shane.”

“Do you like us being here?” Shane asked.

This time there was an incoherent noise.

“What was that?” Artemis asked.

“Sounded like a ‘no.’”

“Sounded like a keyboard slam to me,” Shane countered.

“Can you say that again?” 

Another unclear response.

“I’m telling you two, it’s saying ‘no’!”

Shane looked to Artemis and rolled his eyes. “You get used to this.”

“Are there any prisoners still in this room?” Ryan asked, ignoring Shane’s commentary.

“Wait,” Artemis said. 

“What’s up?” Shane asked.

Artemis put his hand up, and Ryan turned the spirit box off. “Do you hear that?” he asked quietly. 

They all stood quietly for a moment. Just as Shane was about to say something, there was a noise that sounded like footsteps from the floor above them.

“You heard that too, right?” Ryan asked.

Shane and Artemis nodded. “Let’s check it out,” Artemis said, leading them out of the cell. 

Ryan gestured for Shane to go ahead of him. “After you, bro.”

They followed Artemis up the stairs, hearing the footsteps continue occasionally. 

“I think we’re getting closer,” Artemis whispered back.

At the top stair, though, he lost his footing and fell forwards. “D’Arvit!” he hissed.

Shane reached forward, grabbing the back of his jacket and keeping him from falling on his face. “Whoa, you good there, kid?”

Artemis straightened up and nodded. “Yes, there was simply one more step than I thought.”

“What was that you said? It kind of sounded like ‘damn it.’” Shane asked.

“Oh, um, it’s an exclamation I picked up from friend from down under.”

“Australia?”

“... Close enough.”

“What’s going on,” Ryan asked. “I can’t see around this Ent. Did you see a ghost, Artemis?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Shane and Artemis said in unison. 

“Shit, there  _ are _ two of them.”

“Let’s just find out what’s making the footsteps,” Shane said. 

Artemis led them down the hallway. After a few steps, he stopped and pointed at a cell. “This is directly above the cell we were in when we heard the noise.”

“Are you sure?” Ryan asked.

“I counted. Let’s see if we can hear the sound again.”

They stood quietly for a moment, and then Ryan squeaked. “I heard it again!”

Artemis pointed down the hallway. “Me too. From that direction.”

They walked down the hall slowly, Artemis peering in every cell as Ryan looked ahead. Shane followed behind them to try and get them both on his handheld camera. “What are you gonna do if you actually see a ghost?” he asked Ryan.

“First? I’m probably gonna scream like a little girl.”

“Hey, now. That’s offensive to little girls.”

Ryan continued as though he hadn’t spoken up. “Then I’m probably gonna shit myself. Then I’m gonna rub this in your face for the rest of eternity.” 

“Meanwhile I’m going to blackmail you with footage of you screaming forever.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Won’t change the fact that I’ll have proven you wrong.”

“But at what cost?” Artemis asked with a small smirk.

“Ha, ha. New guy has jokes. That’s fine. I’ll be the one laughing when we get this on camera.”

Shane put his hand up to fist bump Artemis. Artemis simply looked at his fist with a bewildered expression. 

Shane sighed. “Must be another American thing. Don’t worry, we’ll teach you.”

Artemis nodded before jerking his head to look past Shane. “I heard it again. From behind us.”

Ryan turned and looked around Shane. “I heard it too.”

“It could be someone on the crew,” Shane reasoned.

“Or it could be a ghost,” Ryan said. “Come on.” He moved past Shane and started walking back the way they came. 

“No, it’s from ahead of us again,” Artemis called.

Ryan groaned. “Seriously? This damn ghost is trying to make us dizzy.”

“We should split up,” Shane said.

“Really? Like Scooby-Doo?”

“Hey, they are a lot better at catching ghosts than we are.”

Ryan sighed. “Yeah, sure, okay. I’ll go this way,” he said, jerking his thumb behind him.

“Artemis and I will go this way,” Shane said, pointing in the opposite direction.

“Whoa whoa whoa, you’re making me go alone?”

“Yup,” Shane said cheerily. “See you on the other side.”

“I really hate this,” Ryan muttered as he strapped another camera on to be pointed at his face.

“I know you do,” Shane said as he walked down the hall behind Artemis.

\-----

Ryan was not enjoying himself, for the record. Away from the other two, the hallway seemed to stretch on for miles. He had walked for what felt like twenty minutes, despite probably only being six or seven. “This sucks,” Ryan murmured to the camera strapped on his chest that was pointing at his face. “The thing is, if I do see something, they’re not gonna believe me. ‘Oh, it’s fine, it’s just Ryan panicking as normal. His eyes are playing tricks on him - shit!” He stopped in his tracks. “I heard… I heard footsteps again… from right behind me…” His voice was barely even audible. “I’m going to turn around… very slowly… and hope that if there is something there, I’ll get it on camera, so I can rub it in Shane’s face forever.” 

He started to turn slowly.

\-----

“Is he always this jumpy?” Artemis asked Shane as they started down the hall. 

“Nah. He’s usually worse. You should see him at demon houses.”

“Why does he do this for a living then?”

Shane shrugged. “I don’t know, but don’t ask him. It makes his brain implode.” He looked at the cells on either side of them. “He’s gonna  _ really _ fucking hate this, you know.”

Artemis nodded. “I can imagine. To be honest, I’m almost surprised we haven’t heard him scream.”

Shane nodded. “You and me both.”

After a moment, Artemis stopped, shaking his head. “I’ve not heard anything yet. If the footsteps are still occurring, I think they’re behind us.”

Shane nodded. “Yeah, but I have an idea.”

Artemis looked at the evil gleam in Shane’s eyes. “Oh, no. He’s going to hate this.”

\-----

Ryan turned slowly… and saw nothing. “Hello?” he whispered. 

Nothing. 

He started to walk back the way he came. “Who was that?”

Nothing again.

“Whoever you are… trust me… I’m already terrified… you don’t have to -  _ holy shit!  _ Shane Alexander Madej I am going to  _ murder you! _ ”

Ryan had just peered into a cell where Shane and Artemis were standing, and Shane started cackling. “Sorry, Ry. It was too good of a chance.”

Ryan sat on the cot, his hands shaking. “I hate you so bad. Come on, Artemis, I trusted you!”

Artemis shrugged. “It was his idea, I simply followed,” but the corners of his lips were turned up slightly. 

“You two are  _ sick _ ,” Ryan groaned. “I’m never trusting either of you again.”

“Well, aside from your life before your eyes, did you see anything?” Shane asked, rubbing the tears from his eyes.

“No, I didn’t. Let’s just get out of here. I think whatever we heard is gone now.”

“Yeah, your shriek probably scared it off.”

“Hey, that was not a shriek,” Ryan defended.

Shane turned to Artemis. “What do you think? I’m pretty sure it was a shriek.”

Artemis shrugged. “Perhaps it was a squeal?”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A continuation of the boys on-location, and more being mean to Ryan because I have a Brand.

“So, Artemis, do you believe in ghosts?”

They were moving to another area of the prison, but not much was happening and it was taking some time since Ryan had gotten lost once already, so Shane was trying to get some footage of the newest member of the crew.

“I have seen far stranger things than ghosts, so I would not be surprised if they are in fact real.”

“Things like what?” Ryan asked. “Don’t worry, we can, uh, edit this out if it leads to you having to wipe our memories or whatever.”

“It’s quite alright,” Artemis said. “It’s been a number of things. Fairies, demons, my little brothers after eating too many cookies…”

“Wait, did you say demon?” Ryan asked.

Artemis continued as though Ryan hadn’t spoken. “So ghosts really don’t seem all too fantastical to me.”

Shane nodded. “Right. Well, are there any conspiracy theories you buy into? Aliens? Flat Earth?”

“I’m not too sure about extra-terrestrials,” Artemis said. “But the Earth is not flat. It’s actually hollow.”   
  


“Wait, what?” Ryan asked. 

Artemis gave a half smile to Shane’s camera. “Of course.”

Shane laughed at Ryan’s bewildered expression. “This is pretty great, Artie.”

Artemis frowned at the name.

“Sorry. Don’t like that? Can I call you Art? Artemis is a bit of a mouthful, ya know? If you don’t like it that’s cool, too.”

Artemis shrugged. “I suppose Art is alright. ‘Artie’ is kind of juvenile,” he said wrinkling his nose. 

“I understand,” Shane said. 

“Guys I finally found the psych ward,” Ryan called. 

“Are you sure this time?” Shane asked.

“Yes, I’m sure,” he said pointing the flashlight at the plaque claiming the wing to be a psychiatric ward under a decent coating of graffiti. 

“What has been observed here?” Artemis asked.

“Oh, you know, wailing, shadowy figures, people get scratched and shoved. This room served as the hospital, and those hallways,” he gestured with his flashlight to dark doorways with ropes in front of them, “are where the psych patients would sleep. They’re condemned now, which I’m not angry about. We’re going to stay in the hospital area. They used to perform procedures that would get you kicked out of medical school down here, so I think I’d still be pretty pissed off, too.”

Artemis scanned the room. “This is almost ancient equipment. Saws like that haven’t been used in the better part of a century.” He aimed the beam of his flashlight at a saw on a table in the corner.

“What was that used for?” Shane asked.

Artemis turned to look at him. “What do you suppose?”

Ryan made a gagging noise. “Remind me never to get an amputation.”

“How do you know how long ago saws like that were used?” Shane asked.

Artemis shrugged slightly. “I read it somewhere.”

“You’ve read about old-timey medical procedures?” Ryan asked.

“Well, I have had a hand in designing a number of more modern ones. I assumed it was only fitting that I have knowledge of how medicine has advanced.”

Ryan gaped at Shane who simply shrugged. “He’s a genius, remember?”

Ryan walked towards the back of the room and looked around. “Anyways, Doogie Howser and Colossus, if you’d join me, I’m thinking we should do our individual sessions in here and then get the hell out of Dodge.”

Artemis frowned and turned to Shane. “How many references can he fit in a single sentence?”

“I’ve learned not to ask him that. He sees it as a challenge. Anyways, Art, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want. It is your first time out.”

“I’ll attempt, but I doubt I’ll see anything. How long do you two typically spend alone?”

“Usually two or five minutes, unless Shane is feeling particularly sadistic and ‘forgets’ to call me back.”

“And don’t worry,” Shane chimed in, “we never see shit either.”

\-----

Shane was first to sit in the psych ward, and Artemis and Ryan moved to sit in the hallway outside. 

“We’re going to spend five minutes alone in the psych ward,” Ryan said to the camera. “Shane’s in there now. Artemis and I are sitting out here in this… charming walkway.”

“I must say,” Artemis spoke up, “cathedral-style architecture has never been a favorite of mine,” pointing his flashlight to the vaulted ceiling as he spoke.

“You and me both, man. So, Artemis, you seem to be a supernatural expert? How does that happen?”

“Butler always said I need a hobby.”

Ryan shrugged. “I see. Mine is apparently investigating supposedly haunted prisons with my quote-unquote friend.”

“That was quite rude of him to scare you earlier,” Artemis conceded.

“Yeah, well, he’s a rude guy.”

“Why do you still come to these places with him if they scare you so bad?”

Ryan was quiet for a moment, apparently thinking. “Well. I believe in ghosts. I want to prove they’re real. Besides, despite all the scares and creepiness, we do have fun sometimes. As weird as that sounds,” he added. 

Artemis nodded slowly, checking his watch. “Shane still has three minutes. Have either of you seen anything during these individual sessions?”

Ryan looked a little embarrassed. “Um… Not… Not exactly. I’ve heard some things, though. The spirit box sometimes says something intelligible.”

“I see,” Artemis said, in a voice that suggested he didn't completely believe it. 

“Hey, now, I have seen some pretty good proof. I need to show you the video from the Queen Mary of the ghost throwing the toothpaste.”

Artemis looked at Ryan out of the side of his eyes.

Ryan sighed. “You and Shane are gonna be the death of me.”

\-----

“I survived,” Shane said triumphantly at the end of the five minutes. 

“Unfortunately,” Ryan said drily, smiling. “See anything?”   
  


“What do you think?” Shane asked. “Your turn, Ry-Guy.”

Ryan groaned and strapped the equipment on. “I have to say, I’m not looking forward to this,” he said to the camera.

“I know you’re not,” Shane said. “Just ignore the occasional scream and you’ll be fine.”

“Shut up, Shane.”

Ryan went into the psych ward, and Shane sat on the staircase next to Artemis. “So, how’s your first haunted prison?” He asked, patting Artemis on the shoulder.

Artemis seemed a little taken aback by the touch but recovered in a split second. “It’s been… an experience.”

“Yeah, it always is. So, about that hollow earth thing, you were bullshitting us, right?”

Artemis didn’t respond, studying the flashlight instead.

“You were, right?”

“How badly does your friend tend to get scared after being alone in these places?”

“You’re not gonna answer me? That’s fine. I’m going to choose to believe that you were making it up. He’s usually about to jump out of his skin, to answer your question. When he gets back in here his eyes are gonna be about this big,” he held his fingers about an inch and a half apart.

“If you don’t believe in spirits, why do you come with him to these places?”

“It’s hilarious, and someone has to make sure Ryan doesn’t have a heart attack at a squeaky floorboard.”

Artemis nodded, looking around the hallway. “I see. The two of you are good friends?”

“Yeah, we are. Don’t you have friends you sneak up on and shit like that?”

Artemis shook his head. “No, not really.”

Shane’s face fell from his usual smile. “Oh. I see.”

“It’s not… I have friends. Just, none my age.”

“Guess it’s hard for child geniuses,” Shane suggested with a smile.

Artemis shrugged, checking his watch. “Ryan has two minutes remaining.”

Shane seemed to think for a moment. “Nah, I think he’s got four still.”

\-----

“I know that was longer than five minutes you asshole.”

Shane grinned. “I’m just trying to help you become accustomed to frightening circumstances. What’s that called, Art?”

“Immersion therapy,” Artemis chimed in from where the camera crew was helping attach the camera that would be pointed at his face.

“Yeah, that. What did you hear in there, anyway? Anything on the spirit box?”

“I mean, some stuff. I’ll have to go back to listen to it again to see if I can make out what was said.”

Shane shot Artemis his best long-suffering expression, despite smiling. “Right. Well, Artemis, you about ready?”

Artemis felt rather ridiculous with all of the equipment strapped on his body. “I look like a fool.”

“Nah,” Ryan said.

“Yeah, Ryan looks a lot more like a fool than you.”

Ryan rolled his eyes, shoving Shane lightly. “Shut up.”

Artemis stepped towards the door to the psych ward. “What do I need to do in there?”

“Try to talk to them a little bit, mostly just listen.”

“It’s a great time to take a nap. It’s dark and quiet.”

Artemis nodded and stepped into the psych ward.

Ryan sat on the staircase, watching the camera crew begin packing up. 

“Ryan, what do you think about the kid?”

“He’s too much like you,” Ryan said drily.

Shane sat next to Ryan on the stairs. “That’s why I like him,” he smiled. “Seriously, though. He’s a good guy I think.”

“Shane, he has been accused of how many felonies?”

“Oh come on, he’s made up for them, hasn’t he?” Shane leaned back on the stairs, looking up at the vaulted ceiling. “Look, I think he’s lonely. I think this could be good for him.”

Ryan turned to Shane, confused. “You think going to supposedly haunted places is good for him?”

“You know what I mean: being around some idiots close to his age. Dammit, I sound like a dad. ‘Being around other kids is good for him,’” he said in a goofy gruff voice.

Ryan shook his head. “You may be right. Just never gonna use that voice again.”

“No promises. Hey, how much longer has he got?”

“Oh, I see, you’re worried about him being in there too long but you’ll make me stay longer. That’s fine,” he said in a fake-hurt voice. 

“Well you’re a walking ball of anxiety. You need to loosen up.”

“Yeah, and being in a haunted prison alone for two extra minutes is a sure way to do that,” Ryan said with his voice dripping sarcasm. 

“Exactly!”

Ryan rolled his eyes and checked his watch. “Yeah, it’s about time to get him.”

Shane stood and walked to the door. “Hey, Art! Time’s up!”

Artemis came in a moment later. “I can’t say I’m upset to be leaving there.”

Ryan walked over to help him with the straps on the cameras over his chest. “Hear anything?”

“No. It was quiet. Almost too quiet.” He got a far-off look in his blue eyes for a moment before shaking his head, as though shaking whatever thought crossed his mind away.

“Well, I don’t know about you two, but I’m  _ starving _ ,” Shane said, seemingly understanding that Artemis needed the subject to change. “I think I saw a Taco Bell on the way in, let’s drop by.”

Ryan hummed. “Sounds excellent. Ready to roll, Artemis?”

Artemis nodded. “Yes, I believe so, but I have never been to a Taco Bell.”

Ryan grinned and clapped a hand on the other man’s back, making him jump slightly. “Man are you in for a treat!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're approaching the end of part one! Just a couple more chapters to go!
> 
> I hope you're still having fun with us!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Artemis and the Ghoul Boys go out to eat, Artemis checks in with Holly, and Artemis ponders his budding friendship with Shane and Ryan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! This is Phoenix filling in for Mac. They weren't able to update today, so y'all have to deal with me attempting to be a functional author. *insert evil laugh here* But, in all seriousness, I wanted to say that we all apricate you so much. We've seen more love and support with this project than we could have possibly hoped for and it means the world to us. I really mean it when I say we couldn't have done it without y'all.  
> Hope you enjoy the chapter! <3

“What is that monstrosity?” Artemis asked.

The three of them were sitting in an otherwise deserted Taco Bell. The crew had gone ahead, since they were only a couple blocks from the hotel they were staying at. Ryan and Shane had ordered an ungodly amount of Cheesy Gordita Crunch tacos for the table and were sipping Mountain Dew. Something about the restaurant seemed to convert them both to their college-aged selves. Both looked younger with their wide grins under the washed-out yellow lighting.

Artemis, in contrast, looked like a walking anachronism, holding a taco while wearing his three-piece suit. 

“It’s heaven. Just try it, dude.”

Shane had already inhaled a whole taco, watching Artemis intently.

“I don’t even understand how to eat this,” he mused, looking it over. “What kind of meat is this?”

“No one knows for sure,” Shane said around his mouthful.

Artemis looked between the two before letting out a long sigh. Holly would think this is hilarious, he thought. 

Foaly is going to hack these security cameras for blackmail.

Artemis took a bite and then dropped the entire taco. “What the fuck?” he asked, his brow furrowed.

Shane and Ryan both looked shell-shocked at the reaction before they started cackling. “Dude, why weren’t you videoing that,” Shane asked.

“What, you’re the cameraman!” Ryan rebutted.

Artemis took a sip of water, trying to wash the taste away.

“I have to say,” Ryan said, composing himself again, “that was the best possible way for us to hear you cuss the first time.”

Shane nodded, wiping his eyes. “Man, everything is so damn funny early in the morning.”

“Anyways, Artemis, what did you think? You survived your first haunted house!”

Artemis thought for a moment. “It was... interesting” he finally settled on.

“Yup. I have to say, I’m glad you came,” Shane said. “It’s always great to have a fellow skeptic.”

Ryan shook his head. “While having another one of this guy walking around wasn’t something I was expecting to enjoy, I’m glad you came, too.”

Artemis was studying the table, not meeting either man’s eyes. “Thank you both,” he said softly.

Ryan smiled, and reached across the short table to pat Artemis’s shoulder briefly. After a quiet moment, Ryan spoke up. “Anyways, I’ve gotta ask, were you joking about the demon thing earlier?”

“Don’t even bother,” Shane said, drinking half of his large cup in one gulp. “I asked him ‘bout the hollow earth thing already. He won’t answer.”

\-----

“You did not,” Holly said laughing.

“Indeed we did,” Artemis said, his lips turned up almost imperceptibly at the corners. 

“I can’t believe you let Shane do that to poor Ryan!” 

Artemis was back at the hotel the team was staying at that night and talking to Holly, who insisted upon hearing everything about their ‘adventure.’

“I’m glad you had fun, Artemis,” she said after she caught her breath. “Don’t even try to argue, I can tell you enjoyed yourself.” She sat on her bed in Haven City, talking to Artemis over their communications. 

“It was an interesting experience, I will say,” he conceded.

“Well, what else did they do?” Holly asked excitedly.

Artemis thought for a moment, untying his tie. “I have been given a nickname.” The word seemed almost alien in Artemis’s mouth, and Holly couldn’t help but smile widely.

“Well, ‘Artemis’ is a lot more of a mouthful than ‘Shane’ or ‘Ryan,’” she reasoned. “Is it alright with you that they gave you one?”

“Yes, Shane asked if it made me uncomfortable when we spoke about it. He uses nicknames quite regularly with Ryan, I feel like that is perhaps one of his ways of showing affection or fondness, so I accepted the thought.”

Holly grinned. “At least you can sense emotions sometimes. I think it’s great that they’re accepting you so readily. I have to say, though, you probably should have watched the past episodes before you asked to do this. I’ve been marathoning them-”

“You have been watching these videos?” Artemis asked, brow furrowed. 

“Yeah, I have, ever since Loch Ness. These two are… as different from you as I could imagine. I figure you got a taste of that tonight, though?”

Artemis sighed, sitting on the bed in his hotel room. On the other side of the wall he heard Shane and Ryan talking and laughing about something before hearing Ryan leaving to go to his own room. 

“They are definitely interesting individuals. They seem to have no ulterior motives in anything they do… it is an entirely different environment from what I was raised as a part of.”

“Maybe that’s good,” Holly said. “Maybe you need to be around normal guys your age instead of a bunch of crusty old businessmen. It might do you some good.”

“I’m not sure ‘normal’ is the correct descriptor here, Holly.”

“More average than a twenty year old with a dozen doctorates,” she countered.

“It’s not that many, but I do see your point.” He stood and walked to the window looking out over the buildings in the small city, watching the traffic roll by at a steady crawl. It was a clear night, but he couldn’t see the stars because of the light pollution in the city. 

“Well, I’m glad you enjoyed yourself. We need to watch the show sometime soon. Right now I’m going to get some sleep. You should too.”

“Good night, Holly.”

He walked back to the bed, his mind working through the details of the night. He had already watched through it in his head a number of times. Each minutiae was duly examined for anything Shane or Ryan could be hiding. After a few more minutes of this exercise, Artemis came to a strange conclusion. 

They were being friendly. That was an interesting feeling, having someone be friendly without any expectation in return. 

I may prove to be right in feeling I might one day trust these two, he thought. 

A tiny, easily ignored voice in the corner of his mind chimed in I hope so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! This is the second to last chapter of this installment! I didn't realize just how far we had gotten. But, don't worry, we haven't heard the last from these boys. We hope you'll stick around for the next story in the series. Lots of love from me to you!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Artemis has his first post-mortem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for going through this journey with us! Here's the end of part one!

“Hello, and welcome to another edition of Buzzfeed Unsolved: Postmortem, where we answer your most pressing questions about the most recent episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved.” Ryan delivers the usual spiel, but with a little more enthusiasm than usual. “This is Artemis’s first Postmortem, so this should prove to be interesting.”

Artemis was looking at the bookshelves behind the table. “Are you aware that there are two upside down books?”

Shane and Ryan ignored him, and Shane held up his cell phone. “I’ve actually got a question for you, Artemis, from the YouTube comment section. From Lady… leprechaun?” He asked, studying the username in an attempt to figure out how to say it.

Artemis looked over Shane’s shoulder and had the briefest smile. “L E P recon,” he informed. 

“Yeah, sure, that. Well, she asks ‘hey, Artemis, you know that not the entire Earth is hollow, there are just hollow areas.’” Shane turned to Artemis. “Do you… do you know what that even means?”

“Well, it seems to mean that I was actually incorrect in my statement that the Earth is hollow,” he stated matter-of-factly.

Ryan and Shane shared a confused expression before Ryan shrugged. “Okay, then. Moving on, we’ve got a question from Facebook. This is directed to Artemis as well, and I have to say, I have seen a number of questions similar to this. ‘Artemis, why do you wear suits so often? You’re making Shane and Ryan look bad in comparison.’” Ryan looked up at the camera. “Hey, I think I look fine.”

“What about me?” Shane asked. 

“Eh, you look alright, I guess. I’m just saying that he’s not making us look  _ bad _ , we just maybe don’t look quite as good.”

Artemis almost smirked a little. “Well, beauty is relative. As for the question, I first wore suits because my father taught me that it is better to overdress than underdress, and that a man wearing a suit is usually the man in charge. Now I wear them because it’s something I have grown accustomed to, and because I feel like I look my best dressed somewhat formally.”

Shane and Ryan seemed to mull this answer over for a moment before Shane spoke up. “Ryan, I think that he just insulted us, and then basically just said he wears a suit for the aesthetic.”

Ryan nodded. “I think you may be right. One of these days, Art, we’re gonna get you out of that suit and in normal clothes. Mark my words.”

Shane gave Ryan a side-eye. “Gee, dude, try and make that sound more threatening if you can.”

Ryan’s face grew blank for a moment and he looked at the camera. He growled in a voice deeper than his normal tone “we’ll get you out of that suit, one way or another, Fowl.”

Shane started laughing uncontrollably, and laughed even harder when he saw the almost frightened expression on Artemis’s face. “I see you’ve met Ricky Goldsworth,” he said after he was able to breathe.

Ryan had been laughing along with Shane. “Sorry, man,” he said wiping his face. “It just comes out sometimes. I guess we should have warned you.”

Artemis looked confused. “Ricky Goldsworth?” he asked.

“Ryan’s alter ego. Don’t worry about it, he doesn’t come out that often.” 

Artemis nodded slowly. “Right.”

“Yeah. Anyways. Next question.”

Shane scrolled on his phone for a second. “Here we go, from the ‘gram, ‘Are we not going to talk about how adorable Artemis is?’” Shane stopped for a moment to laugh before continuing. “‘He’s so tiny and clumsy and makes such goofy jokes, I just have a lot of feelings about little genius boy.’”

Shane and Ryan both laughed for a moment while Artemis looked at the table in an attempt to hide his blush. “Sorry, man,” Ryan said. “There were so many comments with fans pledging undying affection for you, we had to fit one in. You get used to it.”

Artemis shrugged slightly, face pink. Shane looked at him for a moment before looking at the camera crew. “Hey, guys, can we take five?”

The people behind the camera were confused, but Shane seemed fairly insistent, and Ryan was backing him, so they paused the camera and left the library for a few.

“Hey, Art, sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you like that.” Shane said, placing a gentle hand on the smaller man’s shoulder.

Artemis flinched slightly at the touch. “It’s quite alright,” he said through a rough voice. He cleared his throat and looked up from the table he had been studying. “I was simply caught off guard,” he said in a measured tone. His face was still colored and belied his voice. 

“We’ll cut that footage,” Ryan said. “Don’t worry about it. No big deal.”

“I’m just... “ Artemis stopped, weighing his next words. “Having attention on me outside of a professional or academic setting is an experience I am unaccustomed with,” he finally settled on. 

“Yeah, we get it,” Shane said. “The internet can be a lot. We’re still surprised by it sometimes.”

Ryan nodded. “Yeah, it can be a bit of a mess. At least it’s nice stuff, right?”

Artemis shook his head. “It’s infantile.”

“Well, I mean, I guess -” Shane started.

“That comment was demeaning. I am not - ‘adorable’?” He said the word as though the consonants were poison on his tongue. “I am not tiny, I am not ‘cute.’ It’s insulting.” 

“Hey, Artemis, they’re not trying to insult you, okay?” Ryan said softly. “I promise, you know when they’re trying to insult you. Look, there’s more to you than just being a genius, and you’ve got to accept the fact that sometimes that’s not the first thing people are going to point out about you. If you’re on the internet you’re going to have a half dozen personality traits ascribed to you. No one doubts your intelligence. You’ve just got to accept that people see other things in you than just being smart.”

Artemis sighed, shrugging his shoulders. “I suppose you’re right. There will be an adjustment period, I assume.”

Shane nodded. “But you’ve got us.”

Ryan grinned widely. “We’ve made our careers online. You’re in good hands.”

The younger man nodded, looking up at Ryan. “So you suggest I do what, exactly?”

“Lean into it, dude. If the internet thinks you’re cute, roll with it.”

“That’s what Ryan does,” Shane chimed in. 

“Hey, the internet thinks I’m  _ hot. _ ”

Shane gestured to Ryan as though to say  _ my point exactly. _

“And it thinks Shane is a demon.”

Artemis frowned, looking Shane over. “Not enough horns.”

“The point is,” Shane explained, “that people are gonna find one thing about you and run with it. If you try to fight it, you just make it worse. The best thing to do is to just let it happen. You don’t have to go out of your way to let them continue seeing that in you, just keep being yourself.”

Artemis nodded. “I suppose you’re both right.”

“Of course we are,” Ryan said. “We’re smarter than the average bear.”

Artemis frowned at the reference before seeming to ignore it. “I am ready to continue shooting.”

Shane stood up, “I’ll call TJ back in,” he said walking to the door. 

Ryan pat Artemis’s arm. “You’re gonna be fine, alright?”

Artemis looked at where Ryan’s hand was resting on his elbow, his face unreadable. 

“Thank you,” he finally said softly.

Shane came back in followed closely by TJ and Mark. “Let’s get back to it,” Shane said excitedly.

They picked back up with filming, and Artemis seemed to be more comfortable, despite the confused looks he would shoot one of the other men when a reference was made he didn’t understand. 

“Oh, here’s a good one!” Ryan said happily. “‘Hey, Ryan, what’s it like not being the shortest person anymore?’ It feels  _ great _ .”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Shane said. “I’m pretty sure you’re still the shorter one.”

“No way, I’m  _ definitely _ taller than Artemis here,” Ryan argued. 

“Stand up, you two, can we get a camera up to show their heights?”

Artemis and Ryan stood up and stood next to each other.

“What’s the verdict, Teej?” Ryan asked.

“Ryan, you’re not gonna like this…”

Ryan put his head in his hands. “You’re joking.”

“‘Fraid not, bud.”

Shane started laughing loudly. “You’re still the little guy, little guy.”

“Shut up, Shane.” 

Artemis looked over at Ryan. “To be fair, you are certainly stronger than me.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Oh, yeah, I’m stronger than the pipe cleaner. That makes me feel better.”

“Hey,” Shane called. “Don’t be mean to us pipe cleaners!”

Artemis and Ryan sat back down, and Artemis noticed Ryan trying to sit up straighter to seem taller. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” he told the shorter man.

“I mean I know, but it’s annoying,” Ryan said, but he was still smiling at the other two men. 

“At least you’re not like a Munchkin,” Shane reasoned. He hunched his head down and spoke with a high pitched voice. “Hi, I’m Ryan Bergara, I’m average height!” 

Ryan rolled his eyes, but laughed despite himself. “Yeah, small mercies, right? Besides, I could be a tree like you. That would be rough, wouldn’t be able to buy pants anywhere.”

“We own all the same pants, anyways, man,” Shane pointed out.

“Yeah, good point. Well, that does it for this episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved: Postmortem. Be sure to watch this week’s episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved…” 

As Ryan gave the normal outro spiel, Artemis looked between the two men. 

_ Am I making friends? _ that quiet corner of his mind asked.

_ Do I want to? _

  
_ You know you do _ said a voice in his head that sounded remarkably like Holly.  _ Everyone needs friends, Artemis. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You read the whole thing! Go you! This would not have been possible without Phoenix's brilliantly cursed concept, so thanks a million, love! And also for allowing me to go batshit with it ;) 
> 
> Lots of love to the rest of you that encouraged me and my insanity!

**Author's Note:**

> The plan is to update this weekly on Mondays. 
> 
> Huge huge thanks to Phoenix_the_Real_Person and TheGeekGurl and several others whose AO3 names I don't know but I will be sure to address later! Thank y'all for aiding and abetting my sheer insanity and humoring my 3am texts about another gag to put in. It's finally getting out in the world, guys!! :D


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